So probably because no one continues to read this, I'm going to continue to write things.

An experience recently gave me reason to question a lot of the inherent nesting needs that drive people to enter into a relationship. I think a history is necessary in this instance, but if not, does it really matter? I mean, in the end, most relationship issues end up in the same dumpster of melodrama and emotion, and all that sets them apart is the importance we assign them in our everlasting quest for that perfect love.

I've decided as of late that it doesn't really suit me to conform to the traditional roles of dating. He asks, he pays, she remains forever in doubt of his romantic intentions, etc.,. That sort of bullshit just isn't for me. It's tedious and causes my ulcer to flare in incredulity that I could ever be that stupid. But all the same, I allowed my heart to work itself into a frenzy over a guy. This same guy I've been on-again-off-again interested in for about a year now. The thing is, when you work with someone for barely 3 months, it can hardly be the kind of lasting triste that a girl with the nesting gene can endure.

Yet, I endured.

I don't care to go into exactly why I like him because to be perfectly honest, to rational people, some of his cons definitely outweigh his pros. But I tend to let my mind and my heart duke it out for who can be more neurotic, so I continued to harbor a "good intentions, wrong timing" mindset when it came to him.

Unfortunately, to most women, the whole "wrong timing" thing tends to pop back up and even if it's only been 17 minutes since you convinced yourself that he wasn't good for you and that it "just isn't going to work out right now", maybe something has changed and his genetic makeup, his attitude, his dating patterns, and the like will have changed. Now most people would look at that statement and think, 'Dear God, that's truly idiotic to believe such a thing', but women have that way of believing something if they want it bad enough. It's just how we're wired.  

So here I am back at square one. This time, I decided to be a forward-thinkin' kind of gal and just ask him to do something on the weekend, in the name of being casual. Only a guy with little experience would really convince himself that someone he had been kind of involved with on two previous occasions would believe that my intentions would not skew towards trying to rope him into a dating situation, or even worse, a relationship. So our "hanging out" progressed smoothly and we were good friends being friendly. The thing is, in my mind, once I've decided I want to be more that just a friend, a guy will never enter my mind again as anything short of a crush. That means that he is either a "romantic intrigue", "we're casually dating", "together", or "in a relationship." You can just imagine the sort of trouble this could get me into.

At the end of the night, we had been talking for about an hour when I broke out the heavy, anxiety-ridden sigh. Not being completely obtuse, he asked me if I was alright and in a joking manner, whether his talking had caused such a sigh. Being the calculating female that I am, I pounced on that poor antelope ambling into the open savanna; its last thought the one of 'Oh shit, what did I just do?'.

I couldn't help but tell him that I still liked him and ramble on for a good five minutes about the issues I had had in the past with liking him, thinking that it was completely my doing that we weren't together yet. Yet when he finally admitted that he still liked me as well, and I asked him if he wanted to "give this dating thing a try" his response was slowly, deliberately, "I don't know." This was followed quickly by "But I do like you" and another couple of minutes of me fumbling for words about how I really had no idea what to think at that point. Besides completely embarrassing myself, I had let my guard down again, revealing myself as just another girl needing to be loved and exhibiting that age-old "nesting" desire again.

As I walked to the door, I couldn't help but think 'What the hell?' I've continually prided myself on being entirely self-sufficient, but the minute I think I can grasp that happy ending gig in my fingers, I upend my entire mindset (and more often than not, my life) just to grab onto it. It never works out and I just end up on the floor somewhere wrapped up in a blanket, with half a gallon of ice cream obliterated in my wake, wondering just why the hell I ever thought it might work.

So here I am.

I've spent the last day or so just trying to sort out whether or not I want to be in a "relationship" at all, whether or not I want to be in said relationship with him, and whether or not I just simply like the idea of a relationship. After about a day or so, all I've come up with is that if I were to enter into a relationship with anyone that yes, I would like to be in one with him. That really doesn't directly answer any of the three questions, but rather, about half of the second one and somewhere near a fourth of the third. Basically, I just reaffirmed that I do like him. Some may think that me figuring that part out is completely idiotic but I'm rather pleased with it as it has put me onto the idea that being with him is at least a reason I would start a relationship.

Other than that, I've got nothing. I do know that I need to sort out at least those three things before I can do anything else, and that's something. If I'm going to do myself any real justice, I need do a little hunting into just what I want. I mean, in all honesty, at this point I'd really just enjoy it if we could go out or stay in with each other, be as physical as I want, and be that way pretty much exclusively. I don't want any of the bullshit of "Am I going to be in your life forever?" or "Do you love me?" or any of that. So I'm really wondering if i'm trying to be a guy with a girl's needs. Do I essentially want a relationship without the word "relationship"? And if so, does that prove that this whole "nesting" thing is just something society has cooked up in the past to ensure financial stability and the hope of progeny? Just what kind of instinct does the idea of a relationship play into?

i completely forgot how to post on xanga. that's too funny.
so i thought i should post since it's been a whole year and such.
so weird to think about.
i don't even think anyone reads xanga anymore as i have to admit that facebook is superior.
no room on there to regale people with the intimate details of your emo-centric lives.
well except for the status. which kinda makes me sad.
im going to college xanga.
just thought i'd let you know.
later.

HAHAHAHA
i'm a geek
a well-rounded geek
but successful
sweetness and mashed potatoes
-congrats the rest of you all (even though audrey may be the only other one to read this....)
polymers haunt my dreams and life is going, going, gone.
i love it so much